‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.