Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Do one person every day that scares you.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.