[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
This why you should mind your business