Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.