Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
You Might Also Like
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
new record!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.