Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.