I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta