It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
when dads have a rap battle
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.