[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Don’t talk down to me
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.