I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Just say no
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt