Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
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Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
blocked.
goldfish mafia
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”