Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Sing it!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy