How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
You Might Also Like
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.