[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*