Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Well, that should do it
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]