Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.