Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.