Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
new wife guy just dropped
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I have written yet another poem about laundry
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud