The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
🤣✨#caturday
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.