When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Nose
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.