Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
$3 #books
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying