Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.