Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.