To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.