Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You Might Also Like
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My whole life was a lie.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
when dads have a rap battle
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.