Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?