Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Always 🥴
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.