Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
the noise i just made
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.