Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The photographer’s assistant
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.