I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
it is time once again