One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
i now pronounce you bounced.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Anime is real
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Mornin. * use accordingly