fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records