Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]