[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
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i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I never needed anything more in my life
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???