Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
relationship goals
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.