[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*limbos away from your hug*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN