My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.