You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me and who
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]