nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Love is in the air fryer.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
you have three unread messages
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT