saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
PLOT TWIST:
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.