Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Feels like the fourth month in January
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.