[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You Might Also Like
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms