The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
gm
TODAY
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s