I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.