*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…