Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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I’m crying im so happy for them
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye