[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
True.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.