It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes