Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Accurate
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Bro what is this