How does one answer this?
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]